A Shaky Start

Free range food

2008-06-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

If I see another celebrity chef on TV going on about how great free range and organice food is I will shit myself. I am fed up on being lectured about what tastes better. What about Dolphin you Cunts, it's free range lean meat but I don't see you all pushing that. The reason you don't is because you think it is smart. Well chickens are not, thats why they dont need space. You say "oh they look distressed", well should should see it after I have kicked it in the face.

If you twats get your way next year there will be a Chicken living in a two bedroom flat next door to me enjoying a 6 figure salary from the government because it's had 12 children. While I am persecuted in the for being racist for making a why did the chicken cross the road joke. What in the name of god ever happened to Floyd on the piss. Why can't you just toar europe getting waisted and cooking food that you claim to be delicous but by my calculations must be about 40% proof.

Bored this weekend

2008-04-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

If you are bored this weekend there is no need to cry while m*sturbate watching Hannah Montana wondering if what you are doing is illegal. No! there is a new craze for everyone sweeping the nation "protesting". The Olympics is high on the list for professional protestors because of the fact it is being staged in China. I have to say I agree, I mean China really how on earth am I supposed to get there. It's f*cking miles.
Of course it is important to stand up for what you believe in. In America this week people protested the Chinese Olympics from California. A brilliant idea! Next year I will be combating 3rd world debt in Benidorm. This is the culmnination of years personal protests I have been staging for years in the form of John Lennon style sit ins. These normally happen every weeknight between 11pm and 7am. Sometimes I feel so strongly about an issue after discussing it at length in a pub the night before that I will not get out of bed all day.
As always the most important thing to remember while protesting is to be unshaved, unkempt, unatheletic and reak of marajuana. If you think you could work anywhere dressed like you are on a protest you need to go home change into a bin linner and sh*t yourself.

Passing abuse

2008-04-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

As I walked along the street on my phone a young man pointed out from a passing car that I would look and feel a lot healthier if I exercised more. A valid point given that I would even be overweight in America but I felt his phrasing left a little to be desired. His exact words were "hey you fat f*ck if you spent more time on the treadmill.." (he trailed off as his car passed). Maybe this was just an aggressive marketing campaign for a local gymnasium but I felt the need to point out he had upset me. I walked up to the traffic lights and politely expressed my feelings. Unfortunately due to a small miscalculation of my thoughts I accidentally beat him unconscious with his own wing mirror.

I walked away confident he would forgive me for my error as I have now forgiven him.

Man flu epidemic hits new high

2008-01-25T06:25:00.000-08:00

Man flu is out of control. After a few years as a joke illness stuck in news profile behind diseases such as ME man flu has broken into the main stream with the Death of an A list star in Heath Ledger. A young man stuck down his prime who I am sure was about to move to porn. These great titles you may have missed:
10 things I'd rape about you
The Brothers Rimm
Monster Balls
Brokeback Mounting
Lord of Doggystyle town
It is time for the world to take notice of this problem. It is a travesty that in as modern a world as ours young men are struck down by something that was cured years ago. So this year on March 14th I would like all of you to do something special for Executive relief day, a day when you have to grab this disease by the balls.

PS- Jake Gylenhal if you are reading this you better get yourself checked.

News

2008-01-18T05:58:00.000-08:00

Kevin Costner turns 53 today exactly 10 years after the death of his career.
Also chess player Bobby Fischer has died today, coincidence I think not.

Cash Strapped part 1

2007-12-28T08:08:00.000-08:00

I am a bit short of cash at the moment so I have desided to complain everywhere I go.

Animal Viagra

2007-12-26T13:25:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know if Viagra works on all mammals? If it does it could make my next trip to sea world a lot more interesting.

Christmas

2007-12-26T13:18:00.001-08:00

I have been busy this Christmas. I decided to base this years activity on the first advert I saw on TV. To this end I bought myself a lorry, drank a shit load of coke and then ate a midget. Not the best Christmas I have ever had, but easily not the worst.

Why I want a pet rock

2007-12-07T09:28:00.000-08:00

I want a pet rock because:
They don't die when you go on holiday
They don't need food
They don't fuck your clothes
You don't have to to clean up their shit
They don't wake you up
and have you ever tried to bludgeon someone with a cat.

Londoners are bloody grumpy

2007-12-07T09:20:00.000-08:00

I was on the tube the other day and it was heading towards a station called Cockfosters. At every stop it announced this as new people were getting on. The carriage was full and not one of the fuckers laughed. I giggled at every stop and laughed out loud at Picadilly. The person who though up the name obviously had a sense of humour, why don't any of you. I wanted to turn to one of them and say "don't you get it Cockfosters, it's like saying twatstella or Ballsgrolsch. It is now my favorite place I have never been, it just squeezed past Phuket.

Ugly porn star

2007-11-09T05:08:00.000-08:00

I recently saw the ugliest man I have ever seen, he was in a porn movie. It made me felt sick just watching, god knows what it would be like to be in the same room as him. Hats off to all the movie whores out there.

Swapping Passports

2007-10-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

I am bored of being British and so I am looking for someone to swap passports with. Preferably canadian, serious offers only.

Conspiracy theories

2007-10-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

I am going to post all my theories of things that are not what they seem.
1- That tsunami over Christmas didn't happen
Why do I say this
1-No one I know died
2-Lots of people can benefit from the idea it did happen

or

It did happen and was caused deliberately by a government, my moneys on North Korea.

New years Resolutions

2007-10-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

I will kill every third person to tell me about their new years resolution.

Horoscopes for November 2007

2007-10-26T06:41:00.000-07:00

Aries - You will shart in work. If you don't know what sharting is you will soon.
Scorpio- Heavy drinking brings good luck.
Capricorn- Helping others will bring only disapointment. Your lucky fruit is Melon.
The rest ( can't remember any more) - Don't expect anything from someone carrying a melon.

The deadliest game of all

2007-10-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

In america where guns are readily available humans are the most dangerest prey, But in Britain or Australia I am sure there are animals I would like to less. I would rather fight a man with a knife than a Kangeroo with a Black Widow spider!

21

2007-10-25T09:36:00.000-07:00

I am about to turn 21 and want to descide on a Birthday activity. I would like to go big game hunting but I think its quite expensive. I will settle for anything above a Golden Retriever as they look like they could take a bullet.

Tax Bill Problem

2007-10-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

The only way to get out of a tax bill is lie and lie big. This is no time to say it's in the post, this is a time to say that you now are head of the post office and will no longer touch the inland revenue's mail until they royally fuck off ( unfortunately somebody is currently using this). My plan is to say you are Prince of Jersey and while not connected to the Queen by blood, she owes you big. Many a night has she managed to keep Philip off her by distracting with high quality dairy products. Then tell the tax man that if he does not leave you alone the queen has agreed to build a bridge to Jersey. This bridge will allow your angry cattle into britain where they will advance towards his home destroying everything in thier paths. At this point if he has not hung up on you and filed you under not worth the effort, he will have deffinatly have given you some compensation for insanity.

Grammar

2007-10-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

Grammar is a way for talented to be kept down by the trained. If Lord of the rings had not contained a full stop or commer any English secondry school teacher could have put them in, but none of them could of written it. Would Tolkiens vision have been any less amazing if his grammar was crap, I think not. My point is if it is clear enough that you can correct it you clearly understood what it was meant to say and isn't that good enough. So go fuck yourself!

Revenge

2007-10-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

Revenge is not best served cold, it's best served hotter than the center of a cheese toasty. If i were to get punched by a man in the street I would not spend time scheming so I could ruin his life, I would punch him right back. The longest I would waite was until his back was turned or he left his nuts unguarded.

The 4 hottest things in the universe:
4: Sand in summer when you have no shoes
3: The garlic butter of Chicken Kiev
2: The Sun
1: The center of a cheese toasty

Tax Bill

2007-10-22T09:49:00.000-07:00

Of course I can get you out of your tax bill. I will need to know how big the bill is and how far your willing to go to rid yourself of it.

Me against the WWF

2007-10-22T09:24:00.000-07:00

In rebellion against WWF I am going to drop kick a bunny in my size 11s everyday until you give the name back to wrestling. You may think surely they will stop selling him bunnies after the first few but they won't for a number of reasons:
1. Pet shop owners are gullible and want to see the best in people
2. I will rotate between stores being sure never to hit the same shop or member of staff too often.
3. I am a master of disguise.
4. I know where I can borrow a child from and I can blame the loss of the bunny on them. ( How come when kids accidentally take a life it can be cute?)

If you don't hand it back in the next month I have a man in china who will organise a deathmatch between Me and a Panda.

Cycling Hobo's

2007-10-17T05:36:00.000-07:00

I just saw a very skinny hobo on a woman's bike. Is this a sign of the Apocalypse or that Bedfordshires Cycles for scum program was a roaring success, you decide.

Beastiality not a typo

2007-10-17T05:31:00.000-07:00

It is Beastiality not Bestiality because despite it being good sex I would refrain from calling it the best.

Beatiality

2007-10-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

I am fed up with people saying the welsh have sex with sheep. I am welsh and have never had sex with anything bigger than a Border Colly, this is because sheep are not easily out-foxed. Unlike foxes which I have sex with all the time.

Baseball vs Cricket

2007-10-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

Americans think cricket is boring. Americans prefer baseball despite the fact Cricket involves more scoring and more hitting of the ball in general. Weird!

P.S. Both require a bat, a ball and a shit load of booze to keep the spectators from realising they have paid to see fuck all happen.

Free Lie

2007-10-09T12:26:00.000-07:00

Due to the lack of interest in buying lies I am offering this one free as a teaser. If you want a day off work say you have the shits. This should stop the conversation if not go on to describe how bad they are. Everyone says flu for time off this is a much better excuse.

Lies for Sale

2007-10-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

This season I shall be selling lies. Lies for any occasion. Of course for an exact quote I can will have to work on a lie to lie basis, but for a rough estimate I should be able to get you out of 99% of predicaments for $9.95. Email me for further information.

101 Things I would like to see in sport.

2007-09-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

The Tour de France either stop testing riders or allow drugs because at the moment it's just not working.

101 things I would like to see happen in sport

2007-09-25T06:21:00.000-07:00

A Profesional Baseketball League.

The PILE

2007-09-25T06:00:00.000-07:00

The pile of papers on my desk is actually starting to effect my both physically and mentally. Even as I type I can sense it judging me. Its pushing me off the desc slowly having formed a strong foot hold on the west flank. I am trying to retreat east but a stray file blocks my path. A advancing line of post Its has began to seperate me from my keyboard, I can't have long left. Oh bugger this im going to lunch.

NFL Predictions

2007-09-25T05:55:00.000-07:00

Not a bad week I went 11-5 again which is only one better than picking the home teams again. On the upside though the packers won and the rest of the NFC North lost. Im going have to start betting soon.

Michael Vick

2007-09-21T06:42:00.000-07:00

I won't miss Michael Vick because I expect quaterbacks to be able to pass. Last year Michael Vick came 22nd in passing yards. That is 8 places bellow JP Losman and did anyone pick him for thier fantasy team. Enough about a quaterback who never had over 3,000 passing yards.

The Ring

2007-09-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

The Ring, lets settle this. Girl comes out of the TV because of a video tape and kills you. The original may be better but if it has anywhere near a similar plot it is a piece of crap.

American Football predictions

2007-09-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

For a bit of fun I predict the winners of NFL games every week. So far after 2 weeks this season I am 23-9. Which isnt bad. It's not great either if you consider mearly picking the home team I would be 21-11.
So I will predict this week so the world can Judge my ability.
Home Teams to win
Ravens
Jets
Packers
Chiefs
Steelers
Buccaneers
Patriots
Eagles
Broncos
Falcons
Redskins

Away
Colts
Bengals
Browns
Cowboys
Titans

So I am on the Browns side after last week, don't think alot of Chicago and the Lons are the worst 2-0 team in football.

I can't stop shaking

2007-09-21T05:48:00.000-07:00

I can't stop shaking and rubbing my face. I wonder what this means.