Thursday, 12 June 2008

Free range food

If I see another celebrity chef on TV going on about how great free range and organice food is I will shit myself. I am fed up on being lectured about what tastes better. What about Dolphin you Cunts, it's free range lean meat but I don't see you all pushing that. The reason you don't is because you think it is smart. Well chickens are not, thats why they dont need space. You say "oh they look distressed", well should should see it after I have kicked it in the face.

If you twats get your way next year there will be a Chicken living in a two bedroom flat next door to me enjoying a 6 figure salary from the government because it's had 12 children. While I am persecuted in the for being racist for making a why did the chicken cross the road joke. What in the name of god ever happened to Floyd on the piss. Why can't you just toar europe getting waisted and cooking food that you claim to be delicous but by my calculations must be about 40% proof.

Friday, 11 April 2008

Bored this weekend

If you are bored this weekend there is no need to cry while m*sturbate watching Hannah Montana wondering if what you are doing is illegal. No! there is a new craze for everyone sweeping the nation "protesting". The Olympics is high on the list for professional protestors because of the fact it is being staged in China. I have to say I agree, I mean China really how on earth am I supposed to get there. It's f*cking miles.
Of course it is important to stand up for what you believe in. In America this week people protested the Chinese Olympics from California. A brilliant idea! Next year I will be combating 3rd world debt in Benidorm. This is the culmnination of years personal protests I have been staging for years in the form of John Lennon style sit ins. These normally happen every weeknight between 11pm and 7am. Sometimes I feel so strongly about an issue after discussing it at length in a pub the night before that I will not get out of bed all day.
As always the most important thing to remember while protesting is to be unshaved, unkempt, unatheletic and reak of marajuana. If you think you could work anywhere dressed like you are on a protest you need to go home change into a bin linner and sh*t yourself.

Passing abuse

As I walked along the street on my phone a young man pointed out from a passing car that I would look and feel a lot healthier if I exercised more. A valid point given that I would even be overweight in America but I felt his phrasing left a little to be desired. His exact words were "hey you fat f*ck if you spent more time on the treadmill.." (he trailed off as his car passed). Maybe this was just an aggressive marketing campaign for a local gymnasium but I felt the need to point out he had upset me. I walked up to the traffic lights and politely expressed my feelings. Unfortunately due to a small miscalculation of my thoughts I accidentally beat him unconscious with his own wing mirror.

I walked away confident he would forgive me for my error as I have now forgiven him.

Friday, 25 January 2008

Man flu epidemic hits new high

Man flu is out of control. After a few years as a joke illness stuck in news profile behind diseases such as ME man flu has broken into the main stream with the Death of an A list star in Heath Ledger. A young man stuck down his prime who I am sure was about to move to porn. These great titles you may have missed:
10 things I'd rape about you
The Brothers Rimm
Monster Balls
Brokeback Mounting
Lord of Doggystyle town
It is time for the world to take notice of this problem. It is a travesty that in as modern a world as ours young men are struck down by something that was cured years ago. So this year on March 14th I would like all of you to do something special for Executive relief day, a day when you have to grab this disease by the balls.

PS- Jake Gylenhal if you are reading this you better get yourself checked.

Friday, 18 January 2008


Kevin Costner turns 53 today exactly 10 years after the death of his career.
Also chess player Bobby Fischer has died today, coincidence I think not.

Friday, 28 December 2007

Cash Strapped part 1

I am a bit short of cash at the moment so I have desided to complain everywhere I go.

Wednesday, 26 December 2007

Animal Viagra

Does anyone know if Viagra works on all mammals? If it does it could make my next trip to sea world a lot more interesting.