Cash Strapped part 1

I am a bit short of cash at the moment so I have desided to complain everywhere I go.

Animal Viagra

Does anyone know if Viagra works on all mammals? If it does it could make my next trip to sea world a lot more interesting.

Christmas

I have been busy this Christmas. I decided to base this years activity on the first advert I saw on TV. To this end I bought myself a lorry, drank a shit load of coke and then ate a midget. Not the best Christmas I have ever had, but easily not the worst.

Why I want a pet rock

I want a pet rock because:
They don't die when you go on holiday
They don't need food
They don't fuck your clothes
You don't have to to clean up their shit
They don't wake you up
and have you ever tried to bludgeon someone with a cat.

Londoners are bloody grumpy

I was on the tube the other day and it was heading towards a station called Cockfosters. At every stop it announced this as new people were getting on. The carriage was full and not one of the fuckers laughed. I giggled at every stop and laughed out loud at Picadilly. The person who though up the name obviously had a sense of humour, why don't any of you. I wanted to turn to one of them and say "don't you get it Cockfosters, it's like saying twatstella or Ballsgrolsch. It is now my favorite place I have never been, it just squeezed past Phuket.

Ugly porn star

I recently saw the ugliest man I have ever seen, he was in a porn movie. It made me felt sick just watching, god knows what it would be like to be in the same room as him. Hats off to all the movie whores out there.

Swapping Passports

I am bored of being British and so I am looking for someone to swap passports with. Preferably canadian, serious offers only.

Conspiracy theories

I am going to post all my theories of things that are not what they seem.
1- That tsunami over Christmas didn't happen
Why do I say this
1-No one I know died
2-Lots of people can benefit from the idea it did happen

or

It did happen and was caused deliberately by a government, my moneys on North Korea.

New years Resolutions

I will kill every third person to tell me about their new years resolution.

Horoscopes for November 2007

Aries - You will shart in work. If you don't know what sharting is you will soon.
Scorpio- Heavy drinking brings good luck.
Capricorn- Helping others will bring only disapointment. Your lucky fruit is Melon.
The rest ( can't remember any more) - Don't expect anything from someone carrying a melon.

The deadliest game of all

In america where guns are readily available humans are the most dangerest prey, But in Britain or Australia I am sure there are animals I would like to less. I would rather fight a man with a knife than a Kangeroo with a Black Widow spider!

21

I am about to turn 21 and want to descide on a Birthday activity. I would like to go big game hunting but I think its quite expensive. I will settle for anything above a Golden Retriever as they look like they could take a bullet.

Tax Bill Problem

The only way to get out of a tax bill is lie and lie big. This is no time to say it's in the post, this is a time to say that you now are head of the post office and will no longer touch the inland revenue's mail until they royally fuck off ( unfortunately somebody is currently using this). My plan is to say you are Prince of Jersey and while not connected to the Queen by blood, she owes you big. Many a night has she managed to keep Philip off her by distracting with high quality dairy products. Then tell the tax man that if he does not leave you alone the queen has agreed to build a bridge to Jersey. This bridge will allow your angry cattle into britain where they will advance towards his home destroying everything in thier paths. At this point if he has not hung up on you and filed you under not worth the effort, he will have deffinatly have given you some compensation for insanity.

Grammar

Grammar is a way for talented to be kept down by the trained. If Lord of the rings had not contained a full stop or commer any English secondry school teacher could have put them in, but none of them could of written it. Would Tolkiens vision have been any less amazing if his grammar was crap, I think not. My point is if it is clear enough that you can correct it you clearly understood what it was meant to say and isn't that good enough. So go fuck yourself!

Revenge

Revenge is not best served cold, it's best served hotter than the center of a cheese toasty. If i were to get punched by a man in the street I would not spend time scheming so I could ruin his life, I would punch him right back. The longest I would waite was until his back was turned or he left his nuts unguarded.

The 4 hottest things in the universe:
4: Sand in summer when you have no shoes
3: The garlic butter of Chicken Kiev
2: The Sun
1: The center of a cheese toasty

Tax Bill

Of course I can get you out of your tax bill. I will need to know how big the bill is and how far your willing to go to rid yourself of it.

Me against the WWF

In rebellion against WWF I am going to drop kick a bunny in my size 11s everyday until you give the name back to wrestling. You may think surely they will stop selling him bunnies after the first few but they won't for a number of reasons:
1. Pet shop owners are gullible and want to see the best in people
2. I will rotate between stores being sure never to hit the same shop or member of staff too often.
3. I am a master of disguise.
4. I know where I can borrow a child from and I can blame the loss of the bunny on them. ( How come when kids accidentally take a life it can be cute?)

If you don't hand it back in the next month I have a man in china who will organise a deathmatch between Me and a Panda.

Cycling Hobo's

I just saw a very skinny hobo on a woman's bike. Is this a sign of the Apocalypse or that Bedfordshires Cycles for scum program was a roaring success, you decide.

Beastiality not a typo

It is Beastiality not Bestiality because despite it being good sex I would refrain from calling it the best.

Beatiality

I am fed up with people saying the welsh have sex with sheep. I am welsh and have never had sex with anything bigger than a Border Colly, this is because sheep are not easily out-foxed. Unlike foxes which I have sex with all the time.

Baseball vs Cricket

Americans think cricket is boring. Americans prefer baseball despite the fact Cricket involves more scoring and more hitting of the ball in general. Weird!

P.S. Both require a bat, a ball and a shit load of booze to keep the spectators from realising they have paid to see fuck all happen.

Free Lie

Due to the lack of interest in buying lies I am offering this one free as a teaser. If you want a day off work say you have the shits. This should stop the conversation if not go on to describe how bad they are. Everyone says flu for time off this is a much better excuse.

Lies for Sale

This season I shall be selling lies. Lies for any occasion. Of course for an exact quote I can will have to work on a lie to lie basis, but for a rough estimate I should be able to get you out of 99% of predicaments for $9.95. Email me for further information.

101 Things I would like to see in sport.

The Tour de France either stop testing riders or allow drugs because at the moment it's just not working.

101 things I would like to see happen in sport

A Profesional Baseketball League.

The PILE

The pile of papers on my desk is actually starting to effect my both physically and mentally. Even as I type I can sense it judging me. Its pushing me off the desc slowly having formed a strong foot hold on the west flank. I am trying to retreat east but a stray file blocks my path. A advancing line of post Its has began to seperate me from my keyboard, I can't have long left. Oh bugger this im going to lunch.

NFL Predictions

Not a bad week I went 11-5 again which is only one better than picking the home teams again. On the upside though the packers won and the rest of the NFC North lost. Im going have to start betting soon.

Michael Vick

I won't miss Michael Vick because I expect quaterbacks to be able to pass. Last year Michael Vick came 22nd in passing yards. That is 8 places bellow JP Losman and did anyone pick him for thier fantasy team. Enough about a quaterback who never had over 3,000 passing yards.

The Ring

The Ring, lets settle this. Girl comes out of the TV because of a video tape and kills you. The original may be better but if it has anywhere near a similar plot it is a piece of crap.

American Football predictions

For a bit of fun I predict the winners of NFL games every week. So far after 2 weeks this season I am 23-9. Which isnt bad. It's not great either if you consider mearly picking the home team I would be 21-11.
So I will predict this week so the world can Judge my ability.
Home Teams to win
Ravens
Jets
Packers
Chiefs
Steelers
Buccaneers
Patriots
Eagles
Broncos
Falcons
Redskins

Away
Colts
Bengals
Browns
Cowboys
Titans

So I am on the Browns side after last week, don't think alot of Chicago and the Lons are the worst 2-0 team in football.

I can't stop shaking

I can't stop shaking and rubbing my face. I wonder what this means.